The dreams seems to be fading away

I have always been a highly ambitious & overconfident, but never quite worked for anything seriously. I am a severe target of escapism, and my personality is immature and self-victimizing.

Lately, I have been going through a series of reality checks,

• Never concerned with college placement seriously
• mindset of, I'll succeed once I start doing X
• treating people of that I think is right, and not thinking enough from others' perspective

Well, don't know why I have a notion of "I'll achieve it when I start working for it, now am just not doing it", suppose during JEE prep, I thought would easily score under AIR 5000, when I start grinding post mains, but it turned out I was about 1.2lakhs behind the cutoff line.

Well, I thought that was teenage, now am in college, I have grown past that notion, until the placement season started.

Skipping college placement, thinking I have built a good enough profile via internships and stuff, I would be able to grab something decent soon enough, to later realize this ain't the case, I lack basic interview skills and can landup only when the other party is desperate enough to hire someone, and I somehow land in that situation.

Started off dating, blew up that too, though we couldn't form a combined perspective but I think I was more to blame.

So coming back to the dream part, I always dreamed of having something of my own, and buying some materialistic stuff, but am still fixated on that notion and it's gonna just drag me to lowest.

That's it, just wanted to vent out, have been receiving panic attacks lately due to this fade, but am working to tear up that notion, but as again, not that mentally strong to do that, and anxiety and self-victimization just making it worse.

PS: It feels good to write without GPT, but I still need Grammarly.