PeppyPickle

Personal Struggles

Hi Grapevine community,

I am here to share my personal struggles. I lost my mother last year in March. I thought I could overcome this but I am still taken back to those days quite often. Especially on the days I am stressed. She was kind of a single mother to us. I had to stay strong at that time as my grandparents lost their daughter. But till now, I can't forget those days in hospital. I have a lot of regrets . I haven't opened my gallery and scrolled since then. I couldn't bring myself to read our old chats.

I have resigned from my job and the last 10 days left for my notice period. Still I am unsure about which company to join as the offer letter is pending.

Overall I have been stressed out for the past 3 months. And for the last one year I couldn't talk about my mother to anyone fearing that I might break down.

I think I told all of you a little too much. I wanted to vent out my feelings to someone. I don't need comfort. I just need some break and time to heal.

Thanks to anyone and everyone who read my post.

8mo ago

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ZoomyQuokka

Stealth8mo

I wish I could write a long letter to you. I’d lost my mother too back in Covid, in a heart attack. Gone in a matter of an hour or two while I was in the ICU with her the whole time. For many days and months the sound of the ecg machine or whatever it’s called (measuring the heart rate constantly) ran in my head in all the conversations I had with anyone. I had a supportive team at work they gave me the space and my time to mourn and weren’t affected by my performance at work. My then girlfriend broke up with me over differences, she too was going through tragedies at her home. I went full on insane that day and a few days later I decided to seek help. Went to a psychiatrist and then on recommendation from him, a therapist a few months later. This went on for a year and a half. While this was going on my team at work changed and my performance kept tanking. It’s been 4 years and I just recently got back to slightly above average performance at work in the last two years. And now that i see some potential in me again and some hope and new goals I have resigned from work recently.

Trust me it’s gonna take a while for the grief to go away, many say it may never. I don’t relate to the person I was 4 years ago. Death teaches you things. And I didn’t even tell you above the good things that happened to me, through me. In a way, her death was the last blessing she gave to me. There is a lot of things I wish I had done for her, a lot of things I wish she had known about herself and her unlived life brings me in tears but it also empowers me to love. Love everything around for the infinite potential it carries. To have a healthy contempt towards the world and its ways. The patriarchy, the exploitation. I remember her every day for the person she was, her death as the prime source of godliness in my life. She guides me everyday in doing the best I can with my life.