Life decisions
Hi, I would like to know your opinion, so please read my post below
I've been in a relationship for 2 years and what I saw in my partner is that good nature and innocence but everything comes with a price, I've seen her that she gets angry very often just for nothing, she does a lot of overthinking related to work marriage stuff etc. Then we sit together and discuss all her overthinking stuff and explain to her bit by bit that when the right time will come everything is gonna be sorted, thinking now it will not change in the future. But it lasts only for that day alone, the next days onwards the same story. As we have spent 2 years together so we decided to inform our home and they all agreed to proceed further. As this is a 2 states marriage so it took a while to explain parents but eventually they agreed. Meet up is yet to happen between two families. But from her family's one condition is that we must settle up near her hometown ( so that they can visit her frequently) I'm from the North and she is from the South. As we both do jobs in Bangalore we decided to settle up in Mysore. My parents are a bit ahhhhh about this settle up thing but we are flexible about it. But the main problem is I've seen her multiple times she gets anger for nothing like for example based on the recent incident, I've been using phone watching anime in phone as it's holiday she got angry for this and keep on telling how would I gonna build home if we keep wasting time like this blah blah lot of family internal struggle how are we gonna resolve it, we need money and all, and also she insulted me a lot, I'm this, that i am lazy blah blah and finally she couldn't control her anger she became so violent and started throwing stiff at me. I know, to get conscious about future that we have to utilise our time properly, but this agner stiff happens with her every month for different reasons and eventually it leads to me that I'm not earning more how am I gonna taking care of family and all leads to violence at the end. One day she started beating me because I interrupted her call. I just did it in a joke. God knows what triggered her.
Every month this happens and some other reason we argue. But this has become a mental pressure for me. I feel like ALONE only I was more happy than like this. I try to understand every problem and explain to her all issues but nothing works. Sometimes I think of breaking this relationship and calling off the marriage (meet up between two families). Also I think to stay with her and treat her mentally just seeing some Dr, and then proceed to marriage, just to not leave her alone. I don't know what to do, one side i cannot take this pressure and one side i don't want to leave her alone.
Kindly advise your thoughts on this. I will think though on it.
I was in something similar where she had anger mgmt issues and it slowly increased day by day as to things I couldn't control even tiny ones would trigger her
For those, either I would spend time consoling her or bear her anger.
After a point you have no choice but to wake up everyday and think what is she gonna be angry at today and end up walking on eggshells around her.
I had to break it up as violence is never good bw two ppl be it verbally or physically, even if you can take it or gotten used to it. Just know that its not the norm and ppl never change, it only increases as time goes on as you'll be part of her identity/life and she won't feel the need to control it like she does w the world.
If you feel you are better off alone then you know the answer, I got stuck in trying to help the other person and all of that but we are not fucking therapists nor are we professionally trained to handle this. Nothing helps them unless they realise it's an issue they need to work on. In your case she won't feel that way as long as you keep taking it.
My ex never went to therapy while we were together, but post break up promised to go fix herself and all that but by then I was checked out
Hope things work out for you and you make the right call that you will be happy with when you are 80years old :)
Dude
Few questions to you.
Does she sorry and explain you why she behaved like that after beating/throwing stuff at u/insulting? If not, man better run....she may not be the one for you.(Sorry if I'm being too judgemental here)
Relationship in itself is a complex thing.Its important to explain the partner how you feel when you do something that you didn't intended and yeah mistakes do happen, it's about sorting things and expressing how you feel about it.
@FlawlessComics Three things need a definite check bro:
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Her parents want you to shift somewhere closer to their hometown, which is selfish in itself coz you have your parents to take care.
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The angry shit has happened multiple times, and even after several discussions she is continuing the same bad behaviour, which is harmful for you and to her.
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Remember that this is a 2 states marriage, there’s going to be lot of sacrifices, compromises, traditions, and culture shift that could take place. The only question remains at the end, would it be worth taking a risk.
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You said you’ve been with her for 2 years, and still her angry isn’t controlled, then bro you are with the wrong person.
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My friend was in a similar situation, he fought hard and did lot of compromises but at the end, she filed a harassment and dowry case against him, he’s still fighting the case. He hasn’t taken a single rupee dowry. Be careful bro, it’s yours and your parents life. Your peace and your parents happiness is more more important than anything else in the world.
Behaviour depends on her past experiences. Typically Girls are raised in a very safe, secure & stable environment. They may not be exposed to new situations like this and hence may not know how to react. Ask her to be objective & solution oriented instead of becoming subjective and blame you.
Sure
I know it is very hard on you, and It is hard on your partner also.
Violence is never good. In my opinion - even if you have done something horrible, then also Violence against you is not justified.
After marriage, it will all be good for some time. But again this pattern will repeat, and you will live with this fear. Also it can happen that you will start becoming violent thinking that she will understand what you feel when she is violent. Nothing comes out of it.
Better sort out everything before moving forward.
Agree 💯
First, have a proper conversation with her about how you feel when she behaves this way and how much it affects you and your peace of mind. Second, after this conversation give her some time to work on herself or her communication style. Sometimes women are under a lot of mental load / pressure and they're not able to navigate it properly. Your job is not to fix it but help her navigate it. Third, if both these things don't work - please re-evaluate your relationship. Marriage would mean living with this person for the next few decades of your life. If you don't get peace out of this relationship, no point in jumping into marriage. You need to fix the relationship first before even thinking about marriage. And you need to communicate this to her.
Sure thanks for the advice
Do not marry instability. Do not marry someone who insults you over watching anime. Do not marry someone who hits you. You are not responsible for her emotional regulation or her happiness. Your first priority is self-preservation. Tell your parents the engagement is off due to irreconcilable, abusive behavior. You are not a villain for protecting yourself. Stop thinking about not leaving her alone and start thinking about not letting her destroy you. Go. Now.
This has devolved into physical violence.
File an NC at a police station where you stay. (It is not as serious as an FIR, with no investigation, but it is just proof that you have faced this incident. Cops will try to avoid even NC, but you have to force them to note it down and give you a copy. They will not reach out to her.) (This is to prevent what can happen after the below)
Mental peace is gone. BEFORE marriage. Imagine afterwards. For the next 40 years.
Give her an ultimatum. Seek therapy, anger management. Else you leave.
Anger is acceptable, but such triggered reaction is not.
Every stage you progress forward, will mean more difficulty to exit. And unwarranted extreme anger is a valid reason to leave.
Thank you, I will think about it more.
I feel along with anger issues she feels insecure with you about future. And eventually it comes out in every fight. Every couple argues and fight but disrespecting will only harm ur relationship more. You both should have open discussion on this, if she is insecure y she is insecure n what u can do better. If u feel disrespected than u also need to share ur feelings n what she can convey in better tone. Along with all this she should also get hormonal test done especially for PCOD and PCOS. It's very common these days and most of females are having it without knowing. Also, y do u guys want to shift to Mysore. Bangalore is better as it has international airport, more flights. It will be easy for ur family as well n her family as well. Didn't understand y they want to restrict work growth for u. Bengaluru will have more work opportunities.
