Is Detachment from Past possible?
I'm a 25 years old software engineer from noida talking to someone in an arranged marriage setup.
She's also 25, Analyst, living in Noida and has been in a 6 year relationship ending things LAST YEAR with her boyfriend with no claimed contact thereafter. Although the ex is also in Noida.
We have met 4 times, she's from the same hometown and our basic compatibility and life goals and nature seem to be on the same side to me. In short here things seem very good.
I myself was in a couple of relationships both of which were a few months long and including physical intimacy.
So I don't have a problem with her past or her not being a virgin, however I wanted the experienced folks here to guide me that should I move forward with someone who has been in such a long relationship with someone?
She assures me that there's no feelings or trauma there, although the guy broke up with her over petty things. But I'm afraid WHAT IF:
- she still loves him or feelings might surface later.
- she considers me to be a settlement because she was not able to marry her 1st preference
- she remembers the physical intimacy with him and doesn't enjoy our intimacy
- think of leaving if he wants to get back together again.
Both side parents are asking an answer now.
Please help me understand if I'm being plain paranoid or should I look for safer options or how can I understand if she's actually over him.
Talking product sense with Ridhi
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@TremendousGrill15
Dude if you say no due to her past its very likely she will never expose this truth to her future marriage prospects.
If you are planning to back off please back off giving some other excuse/ explanation.
Bhai agar me is situation me hota to me use ek ache dost ki tarah us ladki ko salah deta ki 6 years ka relationship ese give up nahi karna chahiye, tume us ladke ke sath firse relationship me aana chahiye.
Thode din ese advice do, agar vo ladki uske ex k liye positive dikhe to dhire dhire nikallo, agar thode din try karne k baad bhiagar vo uske ex me 0 % interest show kare to fir jaane mat dena bhai, fir ese achi ladki nahi milegi.
Insan easily juth bol sakta hai, uski feelings easily juth nahi bolti (koy usme bhi expert honge)
Lekin try kar sakte vo, ache dost ki tarah advice do, dono benefits me rahoge
This looks smart tbh
I would recommend take some time to get to know her a bit. Like atleast 6 months. Don't hurry into it. As you said they were in a relationship for 6 years, she might have got over him or she might not have, you will have to observe that first hand in her behaviour towards you. Deciding in 4 meetings is very tough so tell her that you want to get to her a little bit more before you decide to marry and since both of you are still 25 there's a lot of time left as well.
Try to get to know* her a little bit more.
Damn autocorrect removing words as well.
Btw since you asked, I was in a similar situation. She was in a relationship for 5 years and we have been happily married for 2 years now. We took it slow, got to know each other and once we were both satisfied then only decided to go forward with marriage.
There is no right answer. Every person is different, every relationship is different. You are the one who knows her the best here, so you should try to decide whether you trust her or not. Most of the time, your partner's trust becomes more important than the actual feelings and actions in a happy long-term marriage
She seems like a nice person. But it's not in her hands also to be attached to someone so want to understand that how can I sense that if any issues might come in our marriage due to physical or emotional intimacy
- Bring this topic in front of everyone including her and her parents and have a clear clear clear talk (record the call also), so that every single person is on the same page and you have some sort of safety net.
- If that goes well, try to negotiate for a prenuptial too. Try hard for that
If both of these go well, marry. If only 1 goes well, can still marry but be very clear about non negotiable from the very beginning. If none goes, don't marry.
Try to settle in some other city, so that it'll be little easy for her to forget her ex.
Limited cities are there in IT. Don't want to live in the fear. Would want to marry if she's already over him. Don't want to put efforts to make her get over
