I feel a bit casual tension with one of my colleague. 😭

I (in my mid 20s)have a female colleague (in her mid 30s) and we are good friends. We do bond sometimes over a cup of coffee/tea and talk about life ambitions/ career goals. Sometimes she vent about her husband and I rant about my ex. I also like her company because I definitely cannot bond with my guy friends over such things. At first I felt good to talk to someone and share our feelings. And although rarely, but she sometimes compliments me and tells me that I’m a nice guy. And honestly, I never thought otherwise until a few weeks back.

We were at an office party. Both of us got pretty drunk. We danced a lot and smoked, had a really good time. And then later we realised that everyone else left and it was just the two of us. I was feeling dizzy and I’m pretty sure she must be feeling the same. But we could walk and were in our senses (maybe not 100%)

But that day, I don’t know why, but I told her - ‘why did you get married. And maybe you should’ve waited. And I think I told her that I really like you’. And I might have also told her a few more things which I probably shouldn’t have. And honestly I don’t remember any of that now. But I do remember we were holding hands for some time and it didn’t feel awkward in the moment.

The thing is, she also told me some things to me which I don’t remember at all, but I do know she said - ‘Maybe we should’ve met earlier, we met at the wrong time’. Or something like that. It’s very hazy in my head right now.

Fortunately, nothing more happened that day. But as I said, that’s my memory of the night and it’s very blurry. Both of us never raised this topic after that day and we barely talk now.

But it’s just killing me from the inside every damn day, thinking that what if my version of the story is not one hundred percent correct, and maybe I said or did something which I shouldn’t have. Maybe she handled the situation more maturely than me.

I just either want to talk it out and clarify or I just want to move out of my job. Maybe switch to another one. I cannot do the first one, so I’m trying my best to do the latter.

Kindly don’t judge me, I’m always super decent with all of my colleagues and I don’t encourage such things in a workplace. But I guess it was alcohol and we both said somethings which created a void. And I just hate myself for it. 😣