SwirlyUnicorn
SwirlyUnicorn

Fucked up to the core

I am a normal human married with 2 kids. It’s been 10 years and I have been trying to manage expectation of everyone.
My wife fights with me often and the usual topic of her frustration and fight is my side of family . She has one or the other issue despite we don’t stay with my parents as they stay in hometown and we are in Bengaluru due to our work. My family has no interference at all , I call them for General chit chat and that’s it. But my wife always have issues with them. It has gone to the level that she fights with me everyday on this topic and i am always wondered about the fact that when they are not staying with us and they don’t call her as well ( anyways , when they call she doesn’t pickup ) then where is the problem . I am afraid of the fact that what kind of environment we are giving to our children. I tried my level best to make things work for her and she should be happy but looks like it’s not solving the issue. I am confused whether this is the real issue or is there something else. All these years , I have not disclosed/discussed this with anyone including my parents/family and now I am am so alone that I am always in depression . Venting it out here as it might give me some relief.

1mo ago
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GigglyPancake
GigglyPancake
  1. Not the Issue, but the Symbol What seems like the problem is often just the surface. The real issue lies underneath.

Your wife’s complaints about your family may not be about your family at all. They may be a symbol of something else possibly:

Emotional neglect (real or perceived)

Feeling unheard or unsupported

A sense of threat to her importance in your life

  1. Emotional Safety Gap Where there is love, create safety first, not logic.

Even if you're doing everything logically right (not staying with parents, limited interaction), she might still be feeling emotionally unsafe or insecure. She may see your parents as competition for your affection or priority, even unconsciously.

  1. Past Conditioning We don’t react to the moment. We react to our past playing out in the moment."

If she had a difficult past with in-laws (either in your family or her own), she may be carrying emotional baggage and projecting it onto your current situation even if your family is genuinely non-interfering.

  1. Unmet Needs in the Marriage The fight is never about what it’s about.

It’s possible she feels emotionally unfulfilled or lacks validation or intimacy in the relationship, and the topic of your family is just a trigger. It's easier to blame something external than to face personal dissatisfaction.

  1. Emotional Burnout or Hormonal Imbalance Sometimes it’s not them. It’s their state of being.

Mental health struggles, hormonal imbalances (especially post-kids), or emotional burnout can create constant irritability. She might be fighting you because she feels exhausted or trapped, not because of any one real reason.

What Can You Do? Drop logic, use listening and presence.

Ask her: “Is there something deeper that is making you feel unheard or hurt?”

Counselling (together or separately) can help uncover the emotional root.

Stop "solving" and start "feeling" with her.

SparklyRaccoon
SparklyRaccoon

Thanks ChatGPT

JumpyKoala
JumpyKoala

Or she is bitchy about his family. Sorry author, if it is harsh words, but I guess you should straighten what she can and can't say about your family.
Sometimes a man has to get command of family, not for patriarchy or misogyny, but just to put people in their place.

BubblyNoodle
BubblyNoodle

I also have a very similar situation as you. I am married with twins recently born. She does not like my parents at all especially my mother. We also live separately from my parents because of the same reason. I also try to create harmony between my parents and her but all my efforts go in vain. She also talks to her side of the family often ignoring my family. Recently she refused to speak with my parents as well. Here's what I have tried (not an advice though):

  1. I used to patiently talk to her trying to understand her point of view but she always takes it the wrong way. She feels as if I am not supporting her. I told her I also have my own thought process and whatever I am feeling right, I am following that. That being said in the end I always take her side and ask my family to keep faith and be positive.

  2. I used to try many things to keep in harmony. But once when she refused to talk to my parents I took my stand and told her if you behave like this, it won't scale over time. This was an eye opener for her as she always felt I could be pushover. Then she started respecting my parents. I told her it's not like we are living with them anyway. Even if you speak for 1 min also they will be fine. She realised this now.

  3. She has gotten unconditional support from her family. While it's not a bad thing in general, when she is wrong also they support her. I tried explaining to them my side of story but her parents refused to accept her mistakes. Since then I stopped explaining things to them and made my peace with it.

  4. Initially I also used to worry a lot thinking worst case scenarios. I have realised that self love is very important here. I tried to forgive myself for any mistakes I have made. Now even if I am not fully prepared for the worst but still I feel more at peace realising there is still life beyond that.

  5. Kids play a very important role. Once they get married she will understand your perspective as well. Time and patience is the key here. When she will become mother in law, she will automatically know how she treated you and your family.

  6. My grandfather is a retired high court judge and he has seen many cases of divorce beyond our imagination. His advice to me when I asked for help was "In marriage, you are in for a very long term. Not all days will be the same. Learn to let go of most of the things."

Overall you are certainly not alone in this. It's the story of every family nowadays. You can always DM if you want to talk more.

GigglyPancake
GigglyPancake

Her daily activities reveal what she does from morning to evening, so what she does? Is she working or earning currently? How often do you both go on trips? When was the last time you visited her parental home? How is her relation with her parents? What did you gift her in the last three years? Is this a arranged marriage or love marriage?

SwirlyUnicorn
SwirlyUnicorn

She is working.
We go on trips often . I go with her every year atleast once if not more.
Her relation with her parents is awesome so much that most if the day she talks to them only on phone.
Every year on Diwali i gifted her jewellery in last 3 years. Birthday is separate.
Love marriage

GigglyPancake
GigglyPancake

Hi brother, I really felt your pain after reading this. It takes guts to share something like this.

From what you said, you are trying your best to manage everything work, kids, your parents, and keeping your wife happy but still the same issue keeps coming up. If your parents are not interfering and still there are fights, then maybe the real problem is something deeper, not just about them.

DerpyUnicorn
DerpyUnicorn

I guess everyone jumped to solving the problem or providing solution without even asking, what is she fighting about in respect to your parents. If you can shed some more light on examples OP.

FloatingBoba
FloatingBoba

This is very common amongst married men these days. I think the next generation should avoid marriage at all cost.

JumpyPotato
JumpyPotato

Big bro, if I were you, I won't have taken shit about my parents from my wife, if those were not true and fabricated.

I'd suggest, confront her at a time when you have 4-5 hours at a stretch and kid is out. And talk very openly, directly about it. Ask her blatantly on the face about her reasons for doing this and take it from there.

QuirkyQuokka
QuirkyQuokka

Confrontation is the solution.

PerkySushi
PerkySushi

What's wrong with these women lol

PerkySushi
PerkySushi

Seeing all these, I feel I'd be better off single

ZippyTaco
ZippyTaco
Aon1mo

Do you have an idea on how much she talks to her parents and what gets discussed? Is she sharing more than necessary? Are her thoughts/actions controlled or manipulated by her parents? If yes, may be you should ask her to restrict herself.

Now if you say that you don’t talk to your parents , is there still some involvement from your parents which is bothering her peace of mind? Did you try to find out impartially?

DizzyDonut
DizzyDonut

Have you ever tried taking some time-off with her, in an environment where neither of you has much to care about? Like a duo trip or something. Once you guys get there and set the tone for the weekend(or something), you can ask her what has been bugging her, truly.

She might be suffering from some pent-up frustration, that she might have otherwise kept the lid on for far too long. This isn't healthy for her either.

Give yourself some time and think - whether you want an out or you wanna stick through. If it's the latter, then try getting to the bottom of the problem first, instead of trying to solve for the same. The "why?" should precede the "now what?".

Honestly, this seems like a case of misplaced angst from her end, and neither of you know how to deal with it.

QuirkyQuokka
QuirkyQuokka

Women not liking or even hating inlaws is a norm now but at the same time same women love their own parents more than their own self. Such people are narcissists born into narcissists families.

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