Relationship advice, please answer
I have 3 questions
- Does past matter in a marriage?
- If both people told about past but one hides entire truth (they get physical in past relationship, want to marry them, etc) is it justifiable to hide such details to build a new relation for marriage?
- If one person is not telling truth even with basic things like actual dob, they are looking other people for marriage(when other partner is not sure for them), they temporarily dated few people just because they needed shoulder , should one marry such people?
Reason- I dated a girl from shadi.com for marriage, I choose a village girl but educated so that she can look for my parents and do her work as well, eventually she bring her parents from Lucknow to delhi to meet my family but my family didn't liked anyone, eventually I still liked the girl only because how she treated me even thought she doesn't look good and even is very short from me ,5'2 & I am 6. I ignored everything and the moment i wanted to fight for her with my family I checked her phone and get to know she had physical in previous relation that she didn't told even when i was ready to accept, her dob is wrong she told me 25 actually she was 27 and she use to give shoulder to people because of loneliness (just shoulder & not physical) so i said no and then she called me and cursed me and my family for every tears she shed for me in 6 months.
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See the past itself doesn't really matter if your partner is open and honest about it.
You shouldn't judge her just for having been physical with someone else, that doesn't make her "impure" or bad.
But if she was constantly lying to you then that is a bad sign. Anyway it sounds like you didn't appreciate her either, you felt like you deserved better (the way you're saying she doesn't look good).
Neither of you are good for each other in this relationship. It's a good thing that you both didn't get married.
And what does giving shoulder even mean. Please write more clearly this was such a pain to read through.
Basically the issue with her is not that she had past relationships. It's that she's not honest and open with you.
And the issue with you is that you are not as understanding and caring towards her as you should be. Because you think you are too good for her.
Both of you are shallow, nobody is perfect here.
I want to be caring, I told her tonn times that only problem to me is that I can't accept lie and I will accept her with all her past , but the future should be only me , but still she hide everything and just showed good and positive side of her's. And giving shoulder means that whoever she knows(school friend ,gym friend) when comes and try to flirt with her she doesn't stop them from saying it whatever they say like give me kiss or hug she doesn't stop them from saying such stuff.(never got engaged in such activity with them though)
Arranged marriage is a transaction anyways so I don't think you would find love in that
body count is just a paper construct skip it try to build something great and new for each other
any limitation is just a joke find patterns of that women / man aligns to your shared goal go for it
rest all just skip if shared goals cannot be aligned
No seal no deal 😔
Eventually that is the only reason to think of going against my family to fight for her, because of how she treats me and how she looks upto me but eventually, when I saw everything I was deeply saddened, we met 19th and she already kind of fixed marriage with someone she found on shadi 10 days back and her point was you said yes I will say no to him.
Also, past cannot be changed and it should not matter as we all do mistakes but accept it and acknowledgment it they main key, she tried to hide the important mistakes of her life to potraye herself as a good women(she is indeed) but I was always ready to accept her with all her past.
Whoever says the past doesn't matter is the biggest fool. Every person is a reflection of their past, be it man or woman. Obviously you can't know the full past unless the person decides to tell you. But yes past matters, it's up to you to decide what do you infer from that past.
I told her that I will accept all her past but eventually she still lied and emotionally controlled me to believe in her and when I saw the lies myself , I can't trust her anymore. Eventually everyone does have a past , and one cannot do anything about it. It was my luck that I saw all that but with next person I don't know if I could ever be able to validate all those, then how one can be satisfied that what the person is saying is True??
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- The past absolutely does matter. Don't drink the neoliberal cool aid.
2.No.
3.No.
I don't get this obsession of Indian boys towards getting married. Bollywood lied to you. The happily ever after doesn't exist.
Also, please stop ruining your genes by marrying sub 5'8" women if you're 6' and above.
Such a straight forward answer, thanks I appreciate it. Eventually when I cannot trust the person how I can spend my whole life with them and on what basis to convince families. And I get the idea to find a decent women (if one can find) insted of just follow the trend and get married. "The happily ever after doesn't exist" - Is this from an experience?
Lie > Past
Past can be accepted but not the lie .
If you vibe forgive her and get marry
My heart just broke upon seeing things from my eyes. I always warned her that do whatever but never lie to me , if I find out I will leave even after marriage but still she choose to hide. I don't have grudges for her , I have forgiven her but considering her as partner again is not possible for me as Iiers are a big No for me.
More than past she's a liar And past matters in terms of that you can then get some better girl with the same past
Leave her and tell her to never lie in future
Even though I was ready to accept her with all her past and every now and then warned her that if I found anything lie , I will leave her even after marriage but still she doesn't said anything. And at last when I find out everything on my own she was like how I can said I had physical in my previous relation when we two are talking for marriage. I felt like she is now just covering up , she even called few people and made me talk to them to clarify but I saw everything from my eyes.
Past absolutely matters
You get what you sow, you had fun in your prime age with other people's future wives, guess what someone was having fun with your wife.
If you think you deserved better and a girl without a past, you are absolutely right to think so. Bcz we as andhbhakts are following western way of life without giving any thoughts to it just bcz it appears to be cool and glamorous, in reality west has worst marriage rates, happiness is lowest, divorces are high, single mother households are high, which in turn creates degenerate children and weak men.
My advice, try to find out the truth about the persons past, make decision and stick with it. If you want to continue it will surely be harder, bcz the jealousy will come out sooner or later, but you will survive. If you don't want to continue them end it respectfully
I ended. Your words are so True, you will get what you sow and thats why I think I deserve better , when my entire life I never gave chance to a woman for all this then how come I deserve a women like this.
Proceed and wait for extremely miserable life to start. Dating is good when people have opportunity to find someone compatible but physical is extreme level of immaturity and insanity. That shows the character. A person getting physical can compromised is compromised. When they don't have this much discipline they can do any wrong thing. In arrange marriage you have opportunity to select best for you. If somebody was abused without her will then it's another thing but this is not the case. Don't chose misery for yourself.
So much similar thinking, I had a relationship for 8 years , I never misused that girl, I made sure that she stays pure until she decides herself that she wants to go other way. She never did so, and I never forced her either. Today's people calls me stupid and dumb but I am fine , for me its a standard that I have set and value that I want to give my future wife. But her story was that guy waited 2 years for her , made her meet his family and then did all that thing with her, eventually she was the one to leave him because she found out that he had physical with many women and even with her friend. But main point was this only how can one do so much without thinking about future? About their future partner and how one Can trust someone so much that they follow whatever they say. I understood that in arranged marriage we have option to choose best but I am do dumb that I don't know what is best, if someone is not good looking , not educated or comes from not so good background I still ignore all that , that she is also human and should get a chance. And in this case same thing happened but at last she doesn't even qualify as a good women (lier).
Firstly never go into the past. And happily you enjoy the present and future dates.
Why are you applying QA principles in real life?
So True, we all do mistakes in past and it doesn't reflect our future but hiding or changing the story for it shows that one is not ready to accept. You know I also had a relationship and twice almost finalized my marriage, I even have all those girls number and chats in phone and I myself told her about this. I never hide and always acknowledged that what I have done wrong. And the sole reason for it is that other person will also opens up about their story but hiding important details of life might pinch in the chest later on.