Maa_ Travel well! I'm here to take care of everything!
My life took a U turn last Saturday when I lost my mother. She hadn't been keeping well for sometime now. But this wasn't something that we expected when we took her to AIIMS. 1 Week from then, I continue to get visuals of how my mom's heartbeat dropped from 61 to 45 to 32 to 18 and then flat. I screamed for the doctor and then they gave her CPR. The heartbeat resumed but it again started falling. That was when the doctor told me that it was the last night and that I should have everyone from the family around (they were already on their way from Gurgaon).While she remained unconscious on a ventilator, I still knew that she was breathing. I sat there quietly holding maa's hand and chanting the Mahamrityunjay mantra. Post CPR, the heartbeat resumed again but at 10:06 pm, it again became flat. An ECG was done and when I asked for the report, the technician asked me to get in touch with the doctor. At 10:16 , doctor came and checked about my family members' arrival so that maa can be put off from the ventilator. My only question was to know for how long will maa be there once we put off the ventilator. The doctor politely told me that she was already gone. The ECG report was flat at 10:07 pm so my maa had gone away when I felt that slight movement of the hand that I so firmly held.
My maa was my life, my anchor, my confidante and my constant cheerleader. I found a small note that she had written praying for my success in UPSC exams. I have it laminated to remind me how I didn't leave upto her expectations.
This was the second life that maa lived after her renal transplant back in November 2014. My younger brother donated his kidney and maa learnt to live again. We had some of the most cherished moments in the last 10 years, where we bought our first car, first home and maa saw one of her dreams realised- what she used to describe as her most decorated achievement- my marriage.
I am the eldest in the family so when the transplant happened 10 years ago, the doctor had told me that the max life that a transplanted kidney has, in people with pre-existing co- morbidities was 10 years. I never told this to anybody. 2 years ago, when a biopsy was done and the doctor told me that the max time that kidney will last is 2 years, I had thought that we would go for another transplant since I am now fit to donate my kidney. But I didn't know that the side effects of the immunosuppressive medicines would be so extreme that maa's body wouldn't be in a position to bear another surgical procedure. She had lost 24 kgs in the last 1.5 years and we consulted multiple doctors who opined that it's mostly due to loss of appetite. Maa hardly ate 1 roti in each of her meals. The day she ate more than 1 roti was a day we celebrated & joked & laughed. My cute maa used to ask me if she has gained weight after eating 2 chapatis for 2 days continuously and I used to affirm the same.
She innocently used to ask me to help her with the spelling of a few words that she couldn't type and I used to jokingly add lmnopq at the end of the word. Her belief in me was so strong that she actually asked me what I said after lmn! Then I used to break it to her that I was joking and then she used to hit me with whatever was around, picking things which she knew won't hurt me.
She was the first person to wish me a happy journey when I was travelling and the first person to text if I have boarded/landed. She was a part of everything that I did. She had the first right on my existence and my success.
Amidst all this, her Tom n Jerry fights with Papa were eternal. Papa used to relish such alterations and mummy loved bitching about it with my wife. My younger brother was never so expressive so he loved maa silently. Taking care of small things that mattered for maa's health.
I used to plan our family outings and was the one with whom maa felt the safest( One credit that I would not want to share with anyone).
Maa probably had an intuition that she was destined for sadgati sooner than later. She once told me when I was kissing her forehead , to cut down on the attachment that I have for her because the end was near. I used to scream and annoyingly tell her to spare a thought for me when she says such things.
But Maa had made up her mind. She chose to go away the same way she lived her life. Without really bothering any of us and taking it all in her stride.
A part of me has gone away and I haven't cried my heart out because it will impact my father, brother & wife because they expect me to be strong. I'm trying my best but I'm a human too. Hence I chose to post this anonymously here.
Blessed are those who get to see their parents every morning. Cherish & live that moment everyday.
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Very sad to hear this. Om Shanti.
Ghost of Tsushima has an amazing quote and maybe it will help you in this time.
"You’re never alone, your father is the wind at your back, and your mother the birds in the trees."
Your father's strength is in the wind, and your mother's watchful presence in the birds above.
So sorry for your loss. This has always been my nightmare, can't imagine what you're going through.
My mother is quite same, and has been going through (different) health issues recently. The thought of losing her keeps me awake at night.
It'll never be the same but may you find some peace in the fact that you both were good sons, and cherish the good times you all had.
I can totally relate to it, brother. I'm sure you are doing your best and pray that she is in the best of health soonest. Manifestation is important so manifest good health ,laughter & love for her.
Grief is a journey - take your time - over time you will learn to live with it. She will always be around - doctors believe that children retain mothers dna due to the process of birth. So she's in you & always around you.
Lost my father recently, been barely 20 days. I could not stand doctors giving him CPR after he breathed his last. It just flashes every moment I am awake. The void; it just kills you man.
But you know what? My dad doesn't want me to be sad, or cry for him or for anything. He was my hero, the only guy who never asked anything from me. He left nothing for me to worry about. Fuck it, man he was so accomodating that he met with the accident on a long weekend, and passed away on a Monday :P
He would not want me to be sad. He would want me to keep smiling, and would want me to do what used to do; make everyone simple.
Just keep moving dude. That's what is needed. That's what will heal. And on a night when you are gazing stars, pick your fav one and crib your heart out. Curse them for leaving you too early. In a brief time, you would still collect yourself and thank them for the wonderful time they gave to you.
Thanks for this post. I don't even know what I typed, it just came from the heart.
Love you papa :)
Love you brother. Can't even console you here. But will derive motivation from what you wrote. Maa would have always wanted me to be my chirpy self. She used to be really worried if I was quiet because she could guess that something was bothering me.
So yes, while I fight this battle , I would continue to look forward and try my best to be happy, keep my father , brother & wife happy. Maa always expected me to own my responsibilities and would tell me how reassured she was because I was doing a great job as the eldest son. I would use this as my constant war cry and ensure I don't disappoint her.
Thank you for putting it so beautifully Bhai❤️
That's like my boy. You are a hero my brother. Papa and your maa both will bless you.
Take care!
Shattered me.
Have lost my father 4 months back and now even hearing this, puts me into paranoia. I wish you the strength and ability to accept the reality.
Life will never ever be same and this pain will continue till the ends of lives, but I wish that we don't succumb to this feeling. But at the same time I wish that when our time comes, may we reunite with our parents in the afterlife too!
Sorry for your loss brother. I'm still clueless on what life holds for me without maa. But my motivation right now is my father. For long, our entire focus was on maa because of her health while Papa continued to be the silent hero. I can now focus my entire attention on him and ensure that I show him the Himalayas and the Gir forest and see the child in him giggle!
Absolutely bro. Go all in. No hisaab in these things. God will give you in multifolds. How old are you if I may ask?
Om Shanti I'm not able to count the types of emotions I'm experiencing right now. One thing is for sure, she'll always be with you with every beat of heart, every step, every breath, every sip of water. Take care, buddy. And please cry, don't hold emotions
I lost my dad in covid when I was just 19. All those things that i want to give my dad, all those dreams that my dad has just gone. It's been 4 years now, but still hardly a day goes without thinking of him. It feels like life just becomes colorless. The only motivation for living life is a mom. I can totally relate how you feel.
More power to you bro. Stay strong for your family! Om Shanti! 🙏
No age is enough when you lose your parents but I surely have all the more empathy for you considering how young you were. I hope you have emerged stronger and continue to make your dad proud through the care & love that you bestow on your mom. Take care brother ❤️
Really sorry for your loss. Om Shanti.. I lost my father in 2012, when I was doing my Masters in 1st yr. I truly understand and feel the pain of parental loss. I heart aches in pain as I was so unfortunate that I couldn't be beside my father during his last moments...Now it's been almost 12 yrs but still I feel my father is with me... We have kept him alive in our words, thoughts, discussions, his clothes and his chashma... That's how he is with us... Please, I know people expect a man to be strong enough to hold his family, but it's okay to be vulnerable... It's okay to cry. It's okay to scream and cry your heart out! Your maa is with you and will always be. Take care !
Yes man. I did cry somewhat today but honestly, I still don't know what's the maximum of it, which will give me some respite. May be, I will continue to do this for the rest of my life because none of it is enough.
You are an inspiration for having been so strong after losing your father. Well done on being one strong guy ❤️
The situation makes one strong. My father was the one earning member of my family. So, when he passed away, our lives took a u-turn. We managed and things were slowly in shape. What pains me today is, whatever I'm now, I miss him so damn ! I feel like 'kya Karu in paiso ka jab papa ke liye kuch na kar pai'... Be strong man! But whenever you feel like crying and venting out, pls do. I still cry... This emptiness will be there life long till we go off...
The last para made me cry, I also lost my brother a year ago. I didn't cried for months because everyone was crying and I thought I had to be strong. And then one night I just kept on crying for hours.
I don't know how painful it is to lose your parents especially your mother and I don't have the courage to feel it and I don't even want to think about it. That's the scariest and the saddest feeling I don't want to imagine. I feel sorry for your loss, it's tragic, it's sad that we have to see people close to us leaving. It's so hard, my heart goes out to you and everyone who has lost people close to them.
It's okay to just sit at a place, remember all the good things about her and cry and keep crying until you want to and feel that she's watching you and pray for her. I don't know what else to say. Stay strong :) Lots of love.
So sorry about your loss , brother! The fact remains that we never prepare for such things so no matter how and when it happens, it will always catch us off guard.
It's tough but our only motivation should be to think of what the departed soul would have wanted- our happiness! I'm sure they are always around! Wish you all the strength.
Really sad to hear your loss. I can relate to the pain as I lost my dad last year all of a sudden. My past 1 yr has been extremely hard. He was the source of cheerfulness to everyone in my family. He had the charm of a cute yet naughty kid. He loved to travel, enjoy good food and always stay positive and happy around everyone. But after he has gone, I miss him badly. I silently cry every night when I go to sleep. I never shed my tears before anyone, to stay stronger, but every single day has been hard. But what I know and can feel strongly is that his love is always around me. I feel guided by him, cared for by his invisible love. Achievements and celebrations mean a lot more difference in the presence of parents. Without them, the void feels extremely painful and cannot be explained or refrained from. I wish you all the strength 🙏 May you and your family get the strength to bear all this.
I'm so sorry for your loss too , brother. Losing a father is like losing one's source of energy so kudos to you for bearing that loss so strongly while fighting your battles silently.
As sons & daughters, we are expected to be strong but the truth is we learn to hide the tears. Our parents are our strength so no amount of time/consolation can really make us strong.
Wish you all the best brother