Lost at life but I am not a quitter
I feel my anxiety and my panic will never let me enjoy my life. Always trying to make others happy always trying to fit in always trying to make sure I do well enough so the people around me stay happy. I wish I gather courage one day and tell people to just fuck off but sure that day is not nearby. What panics me the most that I might endup spending the rest of my life like this only I dont want any pity and am looking to figure it out but posting it here so that atleast I can vent out my frustation. With more time passing I have realised only blood relations can be having unconditional love all the relations we make wife, husband, girfriend, boyfriend, etc these are all conditional love. Honestly extremely annoying if you think about it. It is what it is but I aint a quitter even if for the next 50 years I have to deal with these panic and anxiety attacks, not being loved by my partner, feeling annoyed at all these situations I will stand against it and try to fix it. I might not be doing good mentally but I will get up everytime and fight these demons head on.
I was having the same feeling coincidentally. Had panic attack 1st time year ago due to extreme loneliness I was not able to explain it to anyone, never did I till now. I am getting this feeling now that it might come back again. After 1st time, I worked on lot of self improvements. But loneliness is something I am not able to fix, Friends departed, Toxic Ex who cheated which were the core reason for 1st time. Is beginning to circle around again in form of memories. I try speaking to people to have a fresh start outside since I cannot do it in my professional environment due to complete WFH, but no one feel the same way about how I do or I feel I am worth anyones time. On top of this all the toxic marriage stories that I hear out there is adding fuel to the fire that I might end up like this forever.
I just want to vent out, its killing me. Years ago when I started my career due to toxic environment I was in, WFH job with good pay was the only thing i ever wanted in my life. And when I worked my shit and got it here. I never knew how monotonous life would be. No one really talks about this. What is the point of having good food when you have no one to share with? Good/bad day and no one to share it with?
When I see my friends and people around me it makes me wonder I am cursed in a different way. (I am genuinely happy of them, but it's just that why I can't I have it all?)
Why is it some people can't have it all? Doing good professionally-personal life fucked, Doing good physically-mental life fucked, Doing good spiritually-finances fucked.
It feels heavy, parents can't understand. They try their best to get to know. But they don't get it.
Maybe it's just the ppl problem... Here with low standard living and dignity.. no one respects each other... I have always been alone.. only after i start to lose myself ... Things start getting heavier... So.. as long as u have urself... Everything will be fine i suppose..
I have been on the same side as you are. I went through therapy.
I don't want to encourage you to do anything harsh. Try couples counseling. Life partners are meant to be friends. My ex-husband was a sugar knife. He would abuse me mentally. He said the sweetest words before and to my Parents. When I went back to my Parents they refused to listen no matter how much I made them understand. But my therapist helped me to look through all things. Even if it means you are the only one holding the threads of your life.
Get rid of the negative people in your life. Cut off your time on social media like Facebook. Block all contacts who just pull you down.
Take small positive steps. First and foremost start an account of which only you have knowledge. Start pushing money away from yourself start Indmoney or kite anything but without your partners knowledge. Stop sharing tax details as well. But as you save something for yourself as a gift for your own accomplishment or birthday.
But yes small steps. Once the money diminishes see and record your partner's actions.
Bro let's meet if in BLR, all will be ok
Anxiety and panic are just medical conditions like any other.
Just go to a doctor (psychiatrist) and he will give you medication that will reduce or get rid of your panic and anxiety.
No one with a broken leg thinks I'll fight it every day and try to live with a broken leg. So why do people do this for mental conditions?
Just go and take medication and treatment, it will help.
as Sadhguru says if you feel bad when alone you are in bad company
Bro consult a psychiatrist. You will be fine very soon once you start medication. I too had anxiety issues in the past so I have taken treatment now my anxiety has gone.
Chill brother that's how life is
God loves you , depend on him
