Is it okay to forgive a partner who has cheated?
I’m a 24-year-old female. I have had multiple partners since my teenage years and never knew what being single was like. I consistently need someone for emotional support.
Openly speaking, I cheated on my partners 2-3 times in the past, thinking it was okay to do whatever my heart felt like. One year ago, when I got into a relationship, my boyfriend caught me cheating and beat me severely. He was traumatized, and for the first time, I realized how it feels to be cheated on. I felt pure guilt.
After that, the days were not nice, but I promised him that I would stay by his side until he recovered from his trauma. We bonded, but it was a trauma bond. He made promises that he would marry me, and I felt secure. He used to physically abuse me sometimes, but I felt that maybe it was karma, so I let it go.
Now, I’m so attached to him, but he doesn’t want to marry. I feel so lost. What should I do? I have learned my lesson not to cheat.
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You haven't learnt your lesson. It's due to fear of losing him, that is making you believe that you have learnt a lesson.
You are going in circles. Craving emotional support.
Introspect. Sit with yourself and write your feelings down on paper.
Take time off from a relationship. Spend time with your female friends.
After some time you would be ok.
Then find another man and fuck his life too.
This way contribute to society to convert a boy to a man.
Here is a corrected version of your text:
I don't know, maybe you are right. Also, I don't have many friends. I'm a lonely person. I cannot afford to fuck up another life now. I'm so scared. I've started believing in karma. If I do wrong, wrong things will happen to me as well.
Situation: you both get married. Happily living. But at the single most inconvenience most probably both of your traumas will come out. Then insecurities, much more fight. Your love for him will vanish infront of his domestic violence. And then you will know where you made the wrong decision. That won't be karma that will be your indecisiveness. Letting emotions decide. If it's karma theory, do you think good karma will cancel it out? That's not how it works. It's the frequency you build up by constantly engaging in flings. Whatever you decide next, you should heal your trauma first. Take it all out on the paper, doll.
If educated and working women stand abuse, what hope will the less privileged women have? No person should be in toxic relationships or stand abuse.
True
Ek do thappad khana chalta hai utna bhi abusive nai hai ..you probably deserve it...why are you discounting the emotional abuse that the guy said suffered because she cheated ...
In such a situation your boyfriend could have broken up with you and walked out of your life. But he didn't probably because he thought to use your guilt to his advantage for abusing you physically as well as sexually.
Your cheating someone doesn't give them the right to abuse you physically or in any way.
Now he knows about your guilty feelings and is using it to abuse you as he knows you will not leave.
Always come out of an abusive relationship.
About your attachment to him. Because you have lost all your friends you are afraid of being single. Therapy can help overcome it.
Though a warning message: you need to work on yourself otherwise you risk falling into another toxic relationship due your emotional needs after coming out of one and risk getting abused sexually as well. So get strong and better to look for emotional support from trusted people.
Do take therapy if you have fear of getting judged. Therapist is usually unknown to you and probably you will not meet the therapist again after recovering from this trauma.
Exactly! He is pretty sure that I won’t leave him because of the attachment I have towards him.
He even says I don’t add any value to his life and to leave. I want to be alone and grow. But I come back to him every fucking time. That made him sure that I won’t be leaving him.
You need to be strong. How is the environment at your place and how is your relationship with your parents, siblings or family in general?
Don't get me wrong sometimes we look for emotional support outside if we don't have that in our family. I am just trying to understand if it's your family issues that lead you to need emotional support always.. if that is the case then maybe that needs fixing first..
So I can see many people has given you the suggestions, but I would like to know what you want go tell to young people like me(a guy in early 20s), like what suggestion you want to give or what you learn that you would like to share with us young people.
The lessons I learnt-
- Take right decisions at right age. (For example- for example, you must be in your 3rd year of college. So, make sure you have done 2-3 internships by now, or else you’ll have difficulty in your placements)
- Try to love yourself. (I didn’t know what self love is, now I’m being more inclined towards it and I feel very good)
- Let go of your past. We all are humans, we’ll make mistakes. Try to accept it and forgive yourself.
- Read books. (I can watch 100s of videos but I can’t read 3 pages properly) And it is said that a reader lives a thousand lives before he dies.
- Health is very important. Nothing without it. Eat healthy, Stay fit. Not just for your body, it helps your brain too.
- Dating advice. Be honest, never date two people at the same time. Be loyal. If you lose interest, just let them know and move on. Don’t pretend.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. This is want I learnt. Hope it will help you. Best wishes!
- Be financially independent!!
Break up and move on
It’s too easy to say.
I know it's not easy, but it's the right thing to do. Too much complication and mixed feelings between you two right now. Plus physical abuse is not okay and you should not endure it, doesn't matter if you cheated, physical violence is just not okay.
No one deserves to be punished forever for their mistakes, but staying with his guy will only make you hate each other more over time.
Both of you will be peaceful in the long run if you go separate ways. And you should have some personal boundaries so that guys don't beat you up over things. You shouldn't allow it.
- He has not completely forgiven neither forgotten about your past. See if you can help me get out of this.
- If you want him so badly, try a break up. Try staying away, let him know what he is doing wrong. If he stays and understands your side. The relationship might work.. I have no idea how many tries you should do.
This one seems like a manipulation technique
Having been in a similar situation , perhaps I can share my opinion without judging you .
You are too young, and perhaps not yet ready for settling down with one specific guy , I can say at least not with this guy for sure.
When you stepped out of the relationship You did what your heart wanted, and when he beat you after hearing this news , he did what he felt was the right response .
You both are not ready to come together and create a family with each other. Trust me, you will know when you are ready for someone .
Right now, based on what little you have written, unfortunately I feel it is best you do not go ahead with this guy or any other guy for that matter.
You mentioned you have never been single, and I can only suggest you to Learn to love yourself and live without depending on any boyfriend first then enter a new relationship.
I have very low confidence. He helps me in my career. Because of him I have my job, he contributes a lot in my life but I provide 0 value to his life. He mentions this all the time. I’m still shamelessly listen and let that go.
I don’t know how to love myself. And all this detachment phase will take a lot of energy. I’m so helpless. 😭
I am sorry about your situation.
You have lost direction in your life and only you can help yourself. To do that you need to be in the right state of mind. Right now it doesn't seem that you have learnt your lessons. I would suggest taking professional help. Everyone has made some major mistakes in our life but what helps us to move in our life is forgiving ourselves for what we did. In your case, it seems you haven't done that. I also believe you have been gaslighted by your bf a lot. You need to identify what are the things going wrong in your life, why is it happening and how to change that to improve your life. Start with doing something which gives you a feeling of achievement or accomplishment. Then go for therapy. Nothing to taboo here. We all need some in other ways. I hope you'll overcome this. Strong time creates a strong person. So don't be discouraged. Have believe in yourself that you can overcome any obstacles and rest everything will fall in place.
Advice: Heal first then think about getting into a relationship further. First break-up with him for your and his own good.
Omg! This message made me cry. I’m so glad that people are coming forward to help and give advices. I had these thoughts piled up in my brain didn’t know where to vent. Felt very low in confidence whether people would accept me or not that I cheated a lot in past. Being a woman society won’t accept me, maybe after cheating it’s okay to tolerate physical and mental abuse.
Its never ok to tolerate abuse. Incase of cheating, according to me there should only be 2 scenarios
-
If you believe in him/her forgive n forget the past and never ever raise that topic again.
-
if 1 isnt happening Part ways because the way of treating each other changes it will not be the same as it was earlier. This would be a mental burden for both of them. This is like sacrificing our peace for the rest of the life.
its rare to find people of type 1
Leave him. He is a narcissist since he raised his hands on you. He got to know you cheated on him so he played victim to make you feel guilty and used you simultaneously in the name of promise that he will marry you. He would not have married you even if you haven’t cheated since he was physically attracted to you he thought why to let you go since you cheated he kept using you physically. They keep their old supplies until they find the new supplies it’s the behaviour of narcissist. You got emotionally attached to him because you thought you were guilty and you gave him control. First of all cheating is a choice you chose to cheat on him so you should have left him that time itself rather than continuing. Same thing happened with one of my female friends too. She got married to her ex leaving that narcissist guy and is happy now. God bless you may you find true love and may you realise the value of love rather than becoming fool for someone.
You should not be with someone who abuses you mentally or physically.. that is toxic. You should politely tell him and you should not be with this person .. marriage will not workout in this case. It will be bad .. I think take sometime out only for yourself stay single for a while and enjoyy life .. then see if there is someone really worth it .. who really values you in life .. date and get to know that person. Try to be in a healthy relationship. Hope this helps and wish you the best in life
Thanks for replying 🥺 But I’m terribly attached to him. And he has done a lot for me. No one has ever done this much. I feel like he’s the most talented person I know. Everyone else looks dumb infront of him. He’s a muscular and an intelligent man. I feel if I leave him. It would be my loss
See If someone abuses you in any form.. mentally or physically there is no positive about that person that can nullify all of this. Later in life if you get married or stay for longer it will not be healthy.. as you yourself said that it is toxic.. either you both can address these issues which I am not sure how that might pan out