Been in the arranged marriage loop for around 3 months now. Family’s been more active than me, but I’ve started taking it semi-seriously lately. Was just watching from the sidelines at first, but now I’m trying to show up. The usual bengali+same caste combo is very much the default setting for them. I might be able to convince them to consider a non-bengali same caste match.. if a meteor hits Earth or something. But yeah, their preference is pretty firmly etched in stone.
I do get some interest, but to be honest, thanks to my parents' filters, it’s not as much as it probably could be. The ones who do show up, though, are usually these hot bengali girls. But with them, there’s this nagging feeling that something’s not quite right. It’s like I’ve walked into the middle of a story, and some of the most important chapters have been torn out. I’m not trying to be judgmental, people have their pasts, that’s fine. But I don’t want to be the seventh chapter that someone finally gets around to after everything else has been written, edited, and polished.
Meanwhile, my parents, God bless them, are always nudging me, genuinely excited about the profiles that pop up. They’re sweet & optimistic, but I suspect they don’t always see the layers I do, and maybe that’s for the best..
I’m not into parties, not into the whole "travel every weekend" scene. I like calm, quiet, real conversations. Basically, if someone’s looking for a partner-in-hiking, that’s not me. I’ve got a good job, stable life, maybe some startup dreams - not flashy, just sorted.
Tried talking to a few non bengali girls from my caste (obviously without my parents knowing), but the problem is, most of them turn out to be vegetarian. And I’m definitely not. I think I could personally get past some of these cultural differences if there’s a real connection, but my family? They’re still pretty much set on the bengali + same caste combo. So even when there’s potential outside that, convincing them to budge on anything feels like a long shot..
It’s tricky when you’re not fully liberal, not ultra-traditional either, just trying to find someone real in a landscape that feels either too curated or too random.
Anyone else stuck in this awkward middle lane?
you seem confused, which is ok
take time and sort your mindset first, and figure out what exactly you want and seek that only
don't do things just for the sake of it
otherwise you'll end up wasting your and other's time
And I thought Bengali families are very liberal!!
That said, you are just 28, you already have a huge plus of time on your side, there are many in 30s too searching, many girls in 30s too. So well, welcome to the puzzle game of choosing the life partner!
On a side note, this vegetarian, non-vegetarian criteria, seems very silly to me, next only to the exact caste criteria. Due to these kind of silly criteria only, delays in marriage are happening.
Caste -> sub-caste -> Gotra -> Horoscope -> Food choices -> rigid location choices
All of the above are non-essentials and silly criteria I believe. If I had my way, I would have removed all of the above. No wonder with all those silly, stupid criteria there is so much of delay.
Same. I thought Bengalis were the most liberal. First, sit with your family, talk to them .And my suggestion, get out of caste barrier. Find the right person, not the right caste. We are in 21st century, please grow out of this traditional boundaries made before internet.
What did you expect? 50 profiles, family reject 25, chat with 25, meet 5, fix 1 and done?
I'd say you need to 4x that. (Except that last bit)
Just be thankful you're 28, peaking in the marriage market. But also be extremely wary, and not get hooked to anyone with even just 80% clarity just coz everyone says it's "the right time."
More like parents reject 100 profiles, filter 3-4 & expect me to choose 1. That's why the problem.
There are a lot of people sharing many comments so I’ll give only one tip: drop the caste filter & marry a fellow Bengali.
From your post, my assumption is that you are a Brahmin bengali guy (that’s why all non-bengali same caste are vegetarians, do correct me if I am wrong). Since after marriage, your wife will adopt your caste, gotra etc, it makes some sense for you to find a bengali girl. (Works evenif you are a non bengali).
My case: I’m bengali brahmin female & my parents struggled to find someone for almost 1.5yrs due to bengali+same caste filter. Once they dropped the caste filter, things went much smoother & i found my partner in another 6 months. It isn’t like they didn’t do caste filtering anymore, my parents were selective about the surnames of the families they spoke to. And that’s okay imo. So, they were happy they found someone of a good family & keeping in mind the caste & I was happy I found a partner whom I can trust respect and want to spend my life with.
Not sure why can't OP can just go marry a Bengali brahmin girl. I am yet to see a vegetarian Bengali brahmin lol. Very rare
I think he is looking for a purohit.
Write down what matters to you in terms of values and judge the other person based on that.
I would say just having a past is not a red flag unless the other person is hung up on it, still in touch with exes in an on now/off now kind of way, manipulative, etc. if they are good at heart and had some bad relations but they are not bitter and have moved on, it is ok.
As for veg / nonveg, my partner and i are different here but we manage ok. We eat the same meal most of the time which can work for both, and occasionally eat our own stuff individually. So we have found a middle ground and families don't care about what we eat.
Hope this helps.
I would also say do proper diligence and spend enough time with the girl and the family before committing. And keep some time between engagement and weeding to spot red flags if any. I have seen love marriages where parents show true colors after the engagement and the guy or girl don't stand up to their parents. So you have to test for these things.
One more suggestion if possible to do - try to go for a first or second degree connect. It is easy to do background checks that way rather than going for a total stranger.
Bro don’t rush into marriage. did you see the recent news where a husband was murdered by his wife? That could be you and your family might just call it your 'bad time' remember once she steps into your home half your assets and even your ancestral property could legally become hers.
Bro, fellow Bengali from Kolkata. Don't worry, keep looking.
Eto bhabte hobe na eshob niye. I know a few women who waited 3-4 years and got settled, a few looked for 8-10 months and got settled.
Arrange marriage is a rare probability game to click perfectly. Keep it on a parallel line, not main focus.
Keep living life and doing own thing. Thik shomoy te, thik hoye jabe shob, chapless
Damnn when the grapevine became a matrimonial site
It's has became the place for adult discussion
I smell bullcrap here. OP is just posting for fun. Apparently every other girl OP is finding turns out to be a vegetarian lol. There is no caste among Bengalis where you will find >10% vegetarians. The only exception can be Iskcon followers, in that case OP himself would have been vegetarian. Dude get a life and stop shitpostimg on a weekend
Bruh read my post. None of the bengali girls are vegetarian, but almost all the non bengali ones I spoke to are
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