I used to be considered a bright student. Now I feel like a cog that is replaceable within.

Once upon a time, I was considered to be “promising,” the kind of student that people thought would do something that was great. A sharp mind that is curious about the world is constantly building and questioning and experimenting. I topped exams. I did love to solve actual deep questions and not just leetcode puzzles.

Then I got onto a job. That job was in being a software developer. Not a bad one. Pays decently. Looks respectable on LinkedIn. Somewhere along the way, however, me myself I lost.

Now I feel as if I'm just carrying along other people's stories. Tickets. Sprints. Feature requests written without care for code or users value KPIs most. It is like a new “priority” is shoved down my throat on a weekly basis. I am not solving any of the problems. I am patching at all symptoms.

Creativity? Dead. Creativity is not welcome. My mind feels like some API linking GitHub and Slack due to constant Jira tasks, standups, and deadlines. I am not even able to recall writing something I felt proud of.

And worst of all? I feel replaceable. Another dev would be up and running within a few days, just like in case I vanished on the morrow. Maybe less. In this very system, it is my uniqueness, it is my spark, it is my brain—none of it matters now.

I do sometimes wonder if this was in fact the end. Was this future earned by my hard work?

I miss feeling alive.