My fiancé’s pay is 3x mine. And I feel guilty for not being able to scale up to a respectable pay or career advancement. This is my capacity - I am slow paced and a late bloomer in everything in my life. I feel like I don’t deserve a fiancé with 3x pay as mine and could find someone better than me as I was questioned by my fiancé about my career trajectory. I keep wondering in what way I can contribute my share once we settle. How will I do 50/50 because it doesn’t seem possible to do that. I will have to cut back on all my wants before things turn sour between us due to this financial imbalance. I don’t want money to get in the way of our relationship. I don’t know if anyone feels this guilty for not being able to contribute financially towards their married life. Or am I overthinking all this in my mind. It takes a hit at my self esteem when I see my friends/family around being able to achieve this financial equilibrium with their spouses. It makes me feel inadequate and not as empowered.
Reading this from both gender perspective has wholesome views tbh
So we're nowhere close to gender equality!! And that's a sad reality.
That's never going to happen also. World was created or designed for that.
It's just the stupidest notion created by the stupidest people who identify themselves as feminists, to kill time because they are jobless or just selfish and change sides depending where they will be benefitted or win the argument
When I got married, my partner’s pay was 2X mine. Cut to 8 years later, my pay is now 2.5X more than my partner. I am lucky to have a partner who never questioned me while my pay was lower than hers. So our relationship has been the same then and now.
Your pay cannot be the basis on which you decide if you have to be partners or not. If that is causing a rift between the both of you, you should perhaps have a honest conversation with your partner.
It’s great to hear how you smoothly navigated through this.
It didn’t seem like that when we started off with our courtship but after we got to know each other’s pay, I feel my fiancé is worried about having the pull the weight of our finances all alone. For which I have already conveyed my assurance that that will not be the case. But the guilt I feel is something I need to have a conversation with my fiancé.
It is not seeming as complicated after reading all the thoughts shared by everyone here.
Courtship?
Hey bhagwan pls give me a fiance who is making 3x of me. I will stop working, take care of home and kids, write novels and scripts and do creative work.
How much do u earn?
70 lpa post tax
Your fiancé’s knows about your financial situation and current career trajectory as you get into your marriage.
What's the point for them and you to get into an unhappy marriage over this from the get go?
If they value other aspects you bring to the marriage and enjoy a good chemistry should be expected that they only be encouraging and comfortable with the idea of you possibly earning less.
Otherwise if that is what your fiancé’s really wants - someone who earns just as much he/she should acknowledge that need and find someone else than marrying you with that sword hanging over your heads for the rest of your marriage.
I did think through all the above mentioned points as well. My fiancé has not explicitly said anything about wanting a spouse earning more than I currently do. But I have picked up on hits here and there which is making me feel all these. I should probably discuss my insecurity. There are lot of aspects and nitty-gritty of each other that we are still not fully aware of. That could take an entire life time to know.
@WallFly that would be a red flag for me personally, and I'd suggest you have an honest conversation now when it's still early days, else it's only going to get tougher with time.
F here married for 5 years.
It was a love marriage so of course money was not a deciding factor for both of us.
Marriage is never 50-50 someday it will be 70-30 60-40 so on and so forth. Just both partners should understand this and do their bit.
My husband got laid off in COVID-19 times so I managed everything and I’m dam sure if something similar happened to me in future he’ll handle everything.
I would suggest you not overthink this, as you mention you’re trying for better opportunities and everything, to do this race with yourself not her.
If you constantly worried about it and gave her that vibe she will also feel guilty and you both might end up in a heated argument.
Best luck take a break.
I am not sure if you’ve communicated this with you (would be) partner or not. I feel you should have those discussions before taking public opinion.
A relationship generally involve various kinds of contributions - from finances to managing day to day things. It’s not essential to have 50/50 always, some places it can be 70:30, other it can be 35:65 or watever that number can be. Equality is a theoretical concept and always comes with T&Cs.
I had to ask someone for their opinion as I have never been in a position like this. A public opinion is helpful as there could be others who could have been in a similar situation and I could use insights from the public’s experience on how not to feel guilty. Having a filter free discussion with strangers is liberating and therapeutic.
I agree there is never has been and there isn’t going to be a 50/50 in relationships but different people have different expectations from their spouses, the t&cs, as is their prerogative. No one should have to take up the responsibility of another adult if they can’t handle it. It’s a valid concern to be addressed.
Someone told me a few years back how much your partner earns today does not matter. What matters is whether they are hardworking or not .If they are then they can earn 5x of what they are earning today . Hope this helps stop guilttrip.
That doesn’t work in india. Here a good software engineer can earn 10x of other hardworking people. And once u get into a career its almost impossible to switch. Good line for US.
I was talking about software only
If you are a woman: Men don’t care how much you earn, he asked about your career just for the sake of the conversation. Chill, all he wants from you is peace of mind not insecurity
What if this is reversed in gender perspective?
Would the same scenario happen?
I have not mentioned my gender here as I didn’t want this to turn into a battle of the sexes. Just wanted to hear from both the genders on this matter and how to handle the guilt. People have provided great insights.
I understand your feelings. Do work on your things and try to improve on your part. But feeling guilty won't boost you to improve i believe.
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