Family stress post love marriage!
So I got married in Dec,23 with my long term girlfriend. My mom was not in favour and sister tried for a while but then she too sided with mom and was against it.
Going against everyone, I got married amidst lot of drama. On the day of marriage as well my sister/momthsr kept asking me to come back/don’t do it/she is not good for you etc.
Worried with this, I ended up lying to them that I ran away from marriage but I finished my marriage and moved to Bangalore with my wife.
I week later, was home to tell them truth but on hearing their truth the reaction was very aggressive. They said to cut all ties. Will never talk to me and everything. Scared of this, I came back to bangalore and continued with my lie of running away.
My plan was to tell them about my marriage by saying that I am doing court marriage with same girl later this year.
1 year passed away and my sister saw a photo of my wife on Instsgram posted by a friend of hers and this made her question me again. This time she saw few videos posted by Event organisers as well and that is how she came to know of this. All this happened on 31st Dec.
I was having no response. She yelled at me.
I decided to tell the whole truth to my mom and today told this to her.
My mom asked me to not connect with her, not make her meet my wife. My dad’s annual desth rituals sre coming in Feb and now she don’t want me to be with her while doing so.
Not sure what next to do? Is this price I have to pay for choosing the lady I love?
She is genuinely good girl at heart. Supports me a lot, cares for me, respect me a lot!
I am feeling bad for bringing all this to my family and her.
All of this while I am working to build my venture.
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Beyond pay grade, but I feel that you choosing your gf over family was not the wrong thing, but you lying to your family was not good, you should have been upfront from the start, the reactions would be the same but atleast they'd be aware. I guess only time can salvage this and heal the wounds.
By the way, mind telling me why your family was against this marriage.
Sometimes it takes a lot of heart to follow your heart against all odds.
If you think she is worth it, she is and will be. Parents might become frustrated out of fear of their son's future and the possibility that your mother knows nothing about her. Mothers usually come around, she will as well.
Don't lose hope. Just don't cut your ties off to your family even if they do. Make sure you remain part of your family and be there for any important events even if they don't want you to. You don't have to forcefully bring your wife initially but make sure you as a son are there for your family.
Intercaste marriages even if done happily need their own adjustments with time. The key is patience. Speaking from my own experience.
Experience is what I am seeking!
Thanks for sharing 🙏🏻🙏🏻
An additional suggestion would be to invite your mother and sister to your house at major events like festivals. They might turn it down for sometime but it might prove to be a great icebreaker in the future.
Choose your gf over a immature sister and a manipulated mother.
Hey sir, can we connect?
Gonna join our org as a fresher in July (and till then I can't have a blue tick yet 😭).
Tbh, this is not a problem. If you're wife is a nice person then there's no problem.
Your mom and sister and blind and adamant on not listening to your pov. If they can't see your wife as wife , if they can't even try to learn about your wife persona then let them cut ties with you.
Just ask them what are their points of hating your wife without even knowing her.
Tbh, in next 10 years, there are high chances that your sister will be busy with her own married life and your mother will be no more, only your wife will support you then.
Keep living your life, I know you will miss them but I feel that they are angry because they didn't get to choose your wife.
Build a future, create a good life, focus on your career, grow in your life as a couple, the right people will fall along.
Thanks!
This is what I think too. Everyone eventually will go their own ways, prioritise their lives, and your wife is the one who will prioritise you. I have seen people in my family deciding everything for me, but never seeking my input in their life. They prioritise their spouse, children etc but they never allowed me to prioritise my family. I learned from them how prioritising us done, though it was late.
THE FAMILY YOU CREATE FOR YOURSELF IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE FAMILY YOU COME FROM.
Your mother and sister love you only as long as you succumb to their orders. You can sit back and observe whether the love they give you is unconditional or conditional. It is far better to have a peaceful life with your spouse as opposed to a chaotic life with toxic and heartless mother and sister. Sorry for the words. But that is how I feel. They are ready to abandon you just because you chose the person YOU would be spending YOUR entire life with? Open your eyes please. Parents are not to be worshipped, and you made the right choices so far
Hey there I saw ur post and thought I must reply I have been through somewhat similar situation but for me after 5 years of all this drama during marriage today choosing my wife’s side has been the best decision for me she is smart working humane in nature and eventually today I’m financially independent living back in India and also in touch with both sides even if it’s not perfect
But how do I tell you the pain initial years had caused me and her both marriage time was horrible for us both families ego my mothers ego was next level but it took me 2 years to understand I was so blindly following my mom
I wish to advice u as follows
- assess via proof and be brutally honest who is right and wrong
- many Indian mothers have never learnt to step aside and give space to bahu saas bahu sériels have a lot of truth in them at the core
- many mothers see their retirement plan in their kids and that’s not wrong but to see only that and feel like control is slipping can cause them to act in weird ways
- your sister is a non actor here she has no business to meddle in this at all she should just remain neutral advice and leave if she is angry today it doesn’t even matter 2 cents because tomorrow she will be married and even if not she won’t have the time to bother who u married and if she is going to loose u over who u chose for marriage that’s just crazy
- mother also has no business but ok she is mother we are emotional Indian kids mother raised u there is lot of emotional conflict so it’s harder to deal with but remove sister from equation
If really this girl is absolutely good then think today in this zamaana girls are doing court cases to get divorced and not letting you see your own kids they cause fights at home etc etc
I pray everyday to god and thank him that u can breathe in my house
If you feel this girl is genuinely giving u proof that she is good will support and will ensure a peaceful home then drink the poison of separation and fcuk off ur family and take stance with ur wife
Everyone will come in line when fire will come under their ass when ur mom becomes older and older and no one to support financially emotionally etc she will come back or she may at least be cordial
Things will find a balance eventually
Only in films and extreme rare cases fill family ties are gone and in your case 99% it’s filmy drama
But be careful this path is very hard and strong I advice u also go abroad if possible and away from here
Your wife is your family now and the most important person who's going to stay with you for whole life and build a new family. And if your parents are being immature , you cannot ruin the relation with your wife. If they dont want to talk to you, let it be, they will have to realise their mistake. I know it's a bit harsh but there's no other way, else this toxicity will continue
Remember it’s hard & painful to be a good husband & good son at the same time. There is no guarantee that even after arrange marriage your mother would be happy. Your sister will get married soon & will have own chaos to follow. For your father rituals, ask them by 2 or more methods that will they allow you to perform at home town or not? If not, then do in bangalore itself.
Remember a woman rarely likes another woman especially in in-law relationships. Trust the more you try to convince your mother & sister more they will ignore & it will hurt you.