Brother Demands 5 Lakhs for UPSC Prep, Threatens Self-Harm – Need Advice
Hi, I need some help. I am in a very distressed position.
My single mother works as a cashier, with 3 years left until retirement. My father passed away when I was 2. I have an elder brother who lives with my mother in a small district of Bihar. Fortunately, I am stable and doing a job in Bangalore.
The problem is my brother abuses my mother for money. If it were for smoking or bad habits, I wouldn't need your help, but the thing is he asks for money for studying. He asks for money to live in Delhi and prepare for UPSC. We have supported him and sent him twice to Delhi and paid his coaching fees. He's been preparing for more than 6 years but surprisingly gave only 1 attempt.
He always gives excuses like "my mental health is not good. My chest hair is turning grey due to stress. Next time with some medicines, I'll do my best." "My strategy had some flaws, so next time I'll do better." "I got distracted in class 11, so a failure chain got created. Next year I'll break it." "No one in my family sent me to a good college. If I had good college exposure, I would not have been in this position." He turned 33 and still says he'll create a 5-year masterplan to completely change himself.
I think he's gone delusional. We always supported him. In 12th, Mother sent him to Kota for JEE preparation and for the drop year too. I was sent there too. I stayed with him for 1 year in Kota. I cleared JEE, but I observed that he was always ambitious but lazy. He would spend his time in Kota after coaching in cyber cafes.
I also kept him with me for 3-4 months a year ago. He would spend most of his time scrolling social media on his laptop or filling pages with random writing not related to syllabus. Didn't even finish Laxmikant once.
Now he demands 5 lakhs or else he would do self-harm. He abuses my mother when she says "take a small govt job to boost your confidence." He says if he follows her "shitty mindset," he would become a worthless being.
But I also want to mention that he was a school topper till 10th. And he is very good at playing chess as well. The thing is he listens to no one. Many elder relatives tried to reason with him, but he thinks of himself as the most superior and knowledgeable in the room.
Protect your mother and don't send him a penny. Maybe he lacks time management, organisation skills, maybe he wants to do everything perfectly, some times when you get good marks without efforts you fall into this realm of thinking "I am naturally smart".
Also, when my bf did his preparation, he used to correct papers from institutions and earn 8k per month in 2019. This guy is crazy rich btw... His dad earns 1L after retirement.....
So, its a mindset problem and you guys are enabling it.
You can take him to a psychiatrist if he agrees. Say that you are taking him to consult for stress.
I also have friends from my GATE preparation days. Met these folks 7 years ago. Some are still jobless, some work at computer centre after preparing for "IES exam" for years together. I mean seriously! Preparing for the country's toughest Technical Exam and not being able to secure a PVT job in your own field...
BTW I met a guy at a Bus stand in Bangalore recently. Same mindset, he was 27. He was like .. He was like "My friend cleared xyz exam, now he works only 2hrs a day and gets THIRTY THOUSAND salary". I was like "Are you nuts? Even an intern gets 60k in pvt company." Then he goes..."imagine 2 people are walking over there ...one, a crorepati in civil dress and other one in police uniform. Who will get more respect?"
I said, the police will respect the crorepati.
He didn't take the defeat. He said "Why do you work so hard and then have to pay so much tax, while your boss earns 10x of your salary... Why are you toiling to make your boss rich?"
I then asked him, "How old are you?" He said blushing, "aha, dont go by my looks.. i'm 27." I was like "No shit, your head tells something else".
You people already sent him twice to Delhi, paying for coaching fees etc, and he has been at it for 6 yrs, and yet never he reached interview stage (and to top it, he tried only once!)
Clearly, it looks like he has fallen into some bad habits. Had he been serious, he would have taken 2-3 attempts by now, and clearing prelims every-time and may be mains too (or missing narrowly).
It is a waste of time spending money on such wasted bunch of people, may be get him admitted to some detox/deaddiction centers, that would be better use of money. (I mean, spending 6 yrs and taking only one attempt, I would say- a gone case, whatever the underlying cause be)
Yes, you are right. I asked him to try therapy, me paying the amount but he didn't agree, and says I know what I am going through and I don't need another person telling me that.
Once he said he'll start recording youtube videos. And I supported him by buying him an iphone since he couldn't work under anyone due to his attitude, i thought maybe a youtube career might be for him. But due to his perfectionist attitude, he has not recorded a single video.
He is finally doubling down on either self harm threat or being instantly excluded from the family after receiving the inheritance amount. Apparently my mother is confused at first option and prefers receiving abuse over the second option.
My brother gives the logic that every person is doing what they can do best. So why can't I. The inheritance money won't be useful at all when he gets old and this is the right time that he needs the money to build himself back up.
Just leave on himself. People always says but can't act
A little bit but there's a chance of him doing self-harm as he has not achieved anything till now - giving more depression, his looks are degrading - baldness, greying hair due to stress. He also lost his chance in a relationship - once he said due to his hasty thinking.
If we had a father, he would have kicked him out of the house sooner to stand on his own legs. Mother being emotional isn't able to do this.
But on the other side he also mentions that what would do with the inheritance money when he gets old. He needs it now. Just 5 lacs.
he was a school topper till 10th
That means he is capable of working hard. There is hope for him if he fixes his life. But he needs a reality-check and someone who can set him on the right path.
You dont have to work hard to top the school in 10th... It also depends how dumb your batchmates are.. 😬
am quite good at astrology, these might be your brothers configuration Shani as atmakarak currently in Rahu mahadasha & mercury / Saturn antardasha
he has delusions of grandeur
pls tell him to work hard like do everything by himself if the above is true like tell him to make money by himself like do random things and prepare for upsc , try for other exams too, or work anywhere really and his life will see good in general
strategic hard work >> delusions of grandeur and the taste of these results are sweet toon
Your mother is 💯 right, he should give other exams as well, after 5yrs he'll be 37 yrs, then he'll blame you guys again for whatever reason. Even if he clears the govt job by 37 then it's not worth it. Govt is slowly shifting towards contract jobs instead of full time jobs. You or your mother is no way responsible for his condition being ambitious is one thing and working for it is another. And to be honest he'll be the worst govt officer as he's not owning his failures.
If he's that much ambitious he should work on minimal wage for livelihood and study in Delhi.
Any exam should not take more than a year.. That's why they recruite every year ,not for every 2 or 3 years..
This is a disease killing this country slowly.
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Make it clear to him that as of today, he's a loser in the world's eyes. 33 year old, no job, depending on mother and younger brother, demanding money, not cracking exam in 6 yrs. How can he be superior to anyone. He should know this. I think he knows, but that attitude is an excuse to his failures.
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Ask him for the five year plan. What is the backup if he doesn't crack UPSC? How many attempts he has left?
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Figure out what he will do with 5L? all of it isn't needed for UPSC prep right? If genuine, you can send feedback installments, and monthly pocket money. Agreed upon a number there.
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Never give bulk money to indisciplined people. High chance they'll gamble or lose it to vices. If at all it's needed, you pay the institute by yourself.
You must be strict and strong headed with him. Otherwise no chance. Or else take voluntary retirement for your mom and take her to Bangalore to live with you.
