DizzyCupcake
DizzyCupcake

Arranged match vibes well, but her expectations are making me doubt

I’m 26 and recently connected with a girl through an arranged match. We had a long 5-hour call, got to know each other well —

But a few things she said made me pause: • She expects me to buy a house before marriage • Wants me to relocate before marriage • Said she had a rich lifestyle and seemed to expect that level of luxury to continue

I’m currently earning ₹23 LPA and told her honestly that: • I don’t want to jump into EMIs — I’m focused on savings and financial stability first • I might move to Hometown in future, but not before confirming with my company • I’ve built everything myself — I don’t come from luxury, and whoever I marry should be ready to grow with me

Later she messaged again saying we can talk about future plans when free, and her parents want to meet me.

Now I’m torn. I like her energy, but I’m unsure if we’re aligned long-term. Don’t want to get too emotionally attached only to realize we’re mismatched.

Would love to hear what others think. Should I give it more time or step back now?

24d ago
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GoofyNoodle
GoofyNoodle

Energy and vibes will come and go. Ensure your goals and values match otherwise it will be a firefight every single day. This is the single biggest decision that will affect every fiber of your next 50 years. Find out what you can compromise on and what you can’t.

To answer your question, find your non negotiables and then look at how they match with the current girl.

Ideally, non negotiables would include someone who understands your current position and helps you both grow. I do not see that here.

Before you take a decision, note down what your ideal scenario is and check if she will be willing to find a middle ground. It does not matter if someone had a rich lifestyle before. People should change with the times. You need someone to be with you when you 10x your salary and when you take a risk and lose it all, both.

Not saying what she is asking is wrong. People can have many expectations. Both your values should match.

PrancingMuffin
PrancingMuffin

Great advice!

DizzyCupcake
DizzyCupcake

Thanks a lot for your insights

PrancingMuffin
PrancingMuffin

Hey bro, Been through this. Firstly, let me congratulate you for having the maturity and clarity on what you want from partner. Its rare to see at that young age.
Your take on not being emotionally attached is the most rational approach in such precarious situations. Its important to align on long term goals and expectations from each other and their families.
Looking at her answers, I can gauge she has lots of expectations which might sound outrageous. Its okay to expect a certain lifestyle irrespective of how much she earns. If she is brought up in a comfortable and luxurious lifestyle then its natural to expect it to continue post marriage.
BUT, its wrong to expect everything on a platter without understanding the efforts and compromises to achieve it. A marriage is about building your own empire together not a mere transaction.
Find out if she possesses the empathy and understanding of the hardships that are required to fulfill her expectations. How flexible she is with moving cities and your parents. How open is she to step out of her house of glass(if she is living in one)? What roles and responsibilities will you both perform post marriage? One more important thing nowadays, everyone wants every responsibility 50-50. Honestly its not possible.
There would be days when it will be 40-60, 80-20 and so on. How flexible and mature is she in this regard?
And lastly, try and understand why she has such expectations? Is it because of her upbringing, or social circle or social media influence. That will tell how fragile she is to external influence.

Proceed with further discussions. You are almost there. Feel free to DM if you need further discussion.

Tagging @Introvertbeing and @Toffeefriendly for more matured takes and female perspective

DizzyCupcake
DizzyCupcake

Thanks bro, really appreciate your thoughts. Your reply gave me a lot of clarity. Will take things slow and focus on what truly matters.
Will dm if anything needed

TwirlyCupcake
TwirlyCupcake

I'm in the arranged marriage market too. So here's my POV about this.

  1. If you had just one 5-hour long call and you're thinking about all this already, then I guess it's too early. You're just rushing into it and your emotions seem to have gotten the better of you.

  2. Even if you talk for some more time for clarity and decide to marry, ask her how much downpayment she is ready to make, and it should be her money and not her parents', because she can potentially turn this against you as a dowry case later. Get it in writing that it's her money. Also ask her to contribute to the EMIs. There's no escape to this. We're all one email away from being laid off. So you don't have to take all the lifelong stress.

  3. The average Indian woman (not all, mind you) despite earning for themselves can manipulate you into buying cars and houses beyond your capacity making you fall into a lifelong debt trap for no reason. Unless she brings anything to the table in terms of financial responsibilities (assuming you share household responsibilities with her) do not fall into this.

  4. Even after all this discussion if she sticks with you, then you have found a partner. Else this will automatically filter her out and you have dodged a bullet. Because you need a woman who can build a life "alongside" you and not manipulate and eat your mind and peace and money.

  5. First phone call is always exciting. The inner self will come out for both of you in the subsequent meetings. Travel together. See whether you both can tolerate each other firstly. Then you can think about house and EMI and every other society pleasing checklist.

WigglyPenguin
WigglyPenguin

take your time, there are many girls out there

no need to hurry

DizzyCupcake
DizzyCupcake

Thanks for the advice

CosmicLlama
CosmicLlama

in AM setup, there is no need for discussion beyond 30 mins. The brides family would have already evaluated the education, salary, net worth of the family, net worth of the siblings, family politics, health of the person/family members, profit during batwara, area where they live, ability of the candidate to buy a house, chances for foreign travel, comparison with existing candidates and everything else under the sun.

They come to the "talking " stage after all this. So, by this time, they have already decided on 90% of the things. After such detailed analysis if the woman comes up with conditions, it only means she is not interested. Family is forcing her to go thru.

A man who thinks he is "evaluating her" or they need to understand each other by talking is living in cloud cuckoo land. Men outnumber women. In AM setup they decide on things.

PerkyHamster
PerkyHamster

Absolutely 💯 correct

JumpyPretzel
JumpyPretzel

That’s what the risk with these arranged marriage talks is, you talk long hours, get attached and then the other guy explodes a bomb. Always keep your emotions apart.

That said, amazing to see that you guys talked for 5 hrs over phone call!! That is some marathon call!!

Where is she asking you to relocate?
You didn’t tell what Job she is into? What is her parents Job and financial status, and what about your family’s? Asking this because it won’t be good to marry someone from vastly better financial background (except when you know the person really well). Did you ask her why she can’t buy an house herself? Or, is she willing to contribute money in buying of house? This looks such an odd ask.

23 LPA at age 26 is pretty great, but these girls don’t seem to understand the financial approach of most guys.

DizzyCupcake
DizzyCupcake

Thanks bro. Yeah, we connected well on the call. She’s been working in IT for 3 years and comes from a well-off family. I shared my thoughts about the house part, but she didn’t say much. Appreciate your advice!

TwirlyBiscuit
TwirlyBiscuit

Consider few points:

Don't reveal yourself too much in the early convo like salary, likes, dislikes whatever personal. Don't be that nice guy of exposing yourself, it will be use against you.

Keep convo 80:20 ratio, let her talk, give her comfort space, don't let guard up in the beginning, let her talk about her past even if you're not okay, let her do, the more information you get the easier will be decision making

Never relocate, instead she should be following you not the vice versa.

Never put anyone on pedestal.

We are the luckiest generation there are enough good women for all men, still men end up with wrong women.

PeppyBoba
PeppyBoba

I will decided to move forward with a partner who aligns with the following values: 1. We plan to purchase a home together — not just financially, but as a joint emotional and practical decision. 2. We’re committed to relocating to a place that supports both of our careers and offers a healthy environment for building a family.

By “together,” I don’t just mean splitting costs. It means sharing responsibilities emotionally, making adjustments for each other, and offering mutual support.

If one person is expected to carry the entire burden — whether financially, emotionally, or practically — that’s a red flag.

SwirlyHamster
SwirlyHamster

I'm fine with the first point, but others too tell me she is not a good girl
Better to let her go

SwirlyHamster
SwirlyHamster

Two*

PeppyMochi
PeppyMochi

IMO, focus on having common values, interests must match. It is not just your responsibility to provide for the family, those days are gone. Many big decisions - are to be taken together, IMO, both struggling through helps create a bonding. House / Kids / Where to settle down etc are big decisions. Be very clear on those. Look for maturity in responses. If these expectations are coming from entitlement mentality its a red flag. 5 hour calls - look good, but as many others have said, this dies eventually. What you will be left with is if your value systems match, if your temperament matches, and if you guys have similar interests (travel/books/sport/music/hobbies whatever !), you guys will want to spend time together hanging out doing some common things apart from work.

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