Am I really orthodox?
Been in a relationship for 3yrs. BF has a little bit of drinking issues. Not a heavy drinker. We have had numerous fights due to him drinking, coz he becomes unemphathetic, I believe he also loses ability to understand things. It gets very annoying for me to talk to him when he’s drunk. The most common reason we fight is : he lies to me about drinking. We have clearly & mutually established rules that he’d drink only on the weekends. But he hasn’t been able to stick to the rules. So this is the vicious cycle: he drinks. He lies. We fight coz I get to know he’s drunk just by listening to him. He assures he won’t lie to me again. I believe him. We move on. He again drinks. Since past few fights he is remarking that I’m too orthodox, and I don’t understand that drinking a little ain’t a major issue. My real issue is him being dishonest . And he not being able to think that I would feel hurt due to these fights , which are pretty regular. I feel more bad coz I don’t lie about anything to him. So am I orthodox or do I have legit expectations?
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Not following simple rules and gaslighting you by calling you orthodox is a big red flag.
Also alcohol is level 1 carcinogenic.
Dishonesty doesn't let a relationship survive.
If he really wants you in your life then he should fix his drinking problem, otherwise you need to take some big steps.
In the past he has said he will fix. But lies and deceit continue still.
That simply means that he doesn't loves and respect you. I'd suggest you to give him a strict ultimatum to him. Also suggest him some other better recreational activities that would help him ease out and relax. Talk to him on how you feel , get things on record. Remind him on his promises if you feel that today he's going to drink. If things still don't work out then move out for a better future.
@MurkyContrary - our maid didi got married to a guy who occasionally drinks.. he used to work and she used to work to support themselves.. then came along 2 children.. The drinking increased; he became an addict and withdrawal symptoms are also bad.. he got fired from multiple jobs as he's been drinking and sleeping and not doing any work.. she had to vacate the free room they get and rented a 1bhk which she's only paying the rent
The whole financial burden is on her to raise her children, school fees etc. He also starts to beat her and children for monies to drink..this didn't stop and lately he was running around with a knife to stab her as she's not giving him monies to drink..
Seeing this first hand; if he's an addict- I'm not 100% sure that he'll stop or reduce or even listen to anyone's opinion.. please take a decision where you'd not need to fight for basics in a relationship like honesty, mutual understanding etc.
Have an open conversation with him on again wjat your expectations were in the relationship vs the reality and take a call on what to do based on it.
Dude do we have the same maid? My maid is in the exact same situation. Word to word. Even the knife part - except the fact that he only threatened of suicide
@inr - I guess not as I live with my guy and she's been with us for a while now.
I took her to bembala foundation to speak though.. they explained her options that she can exercise.. I got a suggestion from someone senior not to get involved or give any suggestions as I'm not a localite here with no influence. Soo I just ask her how's she and refrain from asking her much details.
Please leave. It will not change. This is not orthodox, it is basic expectation
You are being right here. Its a reasonable ask. Difficult advice but move on.
It doesn't take long for a "bit of drinking issue" to graduate to full blown alcoholism once life starts throwing challenges.
IMO anyone who can't control themselves about alcohol limit is bound to become an alcoholic.
@MurkyContrary this is not good, not a gentleman atleast. Hope you take the best decision for your better future.
If you're a girl in India, you've an open buffet of options statistically at least. Be as picky as a bird. The behaviour you mentioned is concerning. I already know some relatives in their 50+ who are terrible right now because them as a young couple were showing similar symptoms as you described. And due to increasing self guilt, it gets harder for the female to leave the male so she commits till the end and ruins her life while accepting her ruin. That lady advised me- NEVER drink, smoke, etc. because she doesn't want any other females to suffer as her so she pays a lot of attention in the upbringing of boys in her greater family. Moreover, recently that drinking male had to go through angioplasty due to 3/4 arteries blocked and the specialised doc said he does this for a living and he has been getting guys in his 20-30s now who have all arteries blocked due to aerated drinks, alcohol and smoking. I only consumed fizzy non-alcoholic drinks (thumbs-up) until then but I quit after hearing this. Please advice him to save himself (unfortunately unlikely) but definitely DO save yourself (fortunately likely).
Leave him. The most important thing in life is choosing your life partner. Don’t compromise here